Dying for Garbage Day

Dying for Garbage Day

I used to knock over trash cans when I was younger. My friends and I would call each other up, hop on our bikes and ride through neighborhoods side-kicking trash cans and laughing as they toppled over and spilled their contents into the street. Looking back as an adult, I now realize that I was the exact type of kid that I hate today. I guess it was a combination of the exhilaration of doing something I wasn’t supposed to be doing, combined with the fear of being caught and the camaraderie of performing small-scale acts of vandalism with friends. It was fun, it was funny, and it was incredibly stupid. I don’t think anyone young enough to think this sounds cool will actually read this, so I’m going to eschew the cliché warning away from duplicating my actions. But I will say that if someone were to do this, I understand.

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Give Yourself the Finger

Give Yourself the Finger

I once heard that a person can bite off their own finger. Physically. Not as a permission kinda deal. Your mouth is strong enough that if you slam a ring onto your fat finger and can’t get it off, you have the option of sticking the finger in your mouth and pretending it’s a beefstick for a moment. I would recommend trying other things first (like olive oil or prayer) but you can rest assured that you always have the nuclear option in your back pocket. There’s something in our brains that will stop you from doing this. Similar to why it’s so hard to drown yourself, your mind has some built-in preservation tactics to keep you from doing something thoroughly stupid. However, I’m pretty sure I could do it. I don’t mean this as a cocky, self-assured bravado kinda boast, but I’ve already broken a lot of my own bones. Not on purpose, but still. The precedence has been set. I also eat a lot of beef jerky so I like my chances of getting through the tendons and muscles and whatever else is in there (veins?).

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Let's Broadcast Farts

Let's Broadcast Farts

Nothing feels better than being right.  Even if you win a bet on which day you’ll die, at least there’ll be a sense of accomplishment to mitigate the pain.  Unfortunately, I’m usually wrong and my soon-to-be-married-person absolutely loves repeating her catchphrase “god you’re such an idiot” with feverish consistency.  I might not ever remember where I left my keys, if I closed the refrigerator door, or what I was supposed to get at the grocery store, but I found at least one thing I can write into the “win” column:  Getting one of those fancy new digital assistants is akin to inviting Big Brother into your sanctuary.

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Please Destroy Me

Please Destroy Me

There’s something about sliding up the hood of a car and slamming your shoulder into the windshield that really gets the blood moving.  I’ve never been one for drugs— no thank you!— but I imagine the rush you get from enjoying the scent of a few lines of cocaine is almost half as fulfilling as seeing a van cut in front of you and slamming your teeth into the passenger-side door.

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Fuck the Meat Industry

Fuck the Meat Industry

In my first year of college, my English class required me to write a persuasive essay.  Although being an avid fan of cheeseburgers, hot wings, and chicken alfredo, I decided to write it about vegetarianism.  I knew there was a wealth of information on the subject and it would be really easy to take the side of the vegetarian, explaining why it’s immoral to eat meat.  The horrible treatment of the animals shown in PETA videos basically got me the A.  Of course it’s awful that chickens get their beaks blowtorched off so they don’t peck other chickens because their cages are painfully small and will kill for another inch of room.  Of course that sucks.  You’re right.  Here’s your A.

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The 7-8-9 Plan

The 7-8-9 Plan

A lot of people live their lives the wrong way.  I’ve been saying this for a while but I’ve never put it together in a perfectly succinct manner that renders all opposition to my viewpoint blatantly incorrect.  I just thought about it five minutes ago, so it’s definitely thought all the way through and completely irrefutable.  It’s called the 7-8-9 Plan, and it will show you how to live a happy life.  It goes like this:

7 hours of work, 8 hours of sleep, and 9 hours of free time five days every week.

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