Give Yourself the Finger

I once heard that a person can bite off their own finger. Physically. Not as a permission kinda deal. Your mouth is strong enough that if you slam a ring onto your fat finger and can’t get it off, you have the option of sticking the finger in your mouth and pretending it’s a beefstick for a moment. I would recommend trying other things first (like olive oil or prayer) but you can rest assured that you always have the nuclear option in your back pocket. There’s something in our brains that will stop you from doing this. Similar to why it’s so hard to drown yourself, your mind has some built-in preservation tactics to keep you from doing something thoroughly stupid. However, I’m pretty sure I could do it. I don’t mean this as a cocky, self-assured bravado kinda boast, but I’ve already broken a lot of my own bones. Not on purpose, but still. The precedence has been set. I also eat a lot of beef jerky so I like my chances of getting through the tendons and muscles and whatever else is in there (veins?).

I don’t know if this is true, mostly because I have a bad memory and don’t pay close attention to basically anything because I’m too busy thinking about things like biting off my own finger, but here’s what I know to be true: A dog can definitely bite your finger off. I used to watch When Animals Attack and I’ve stayed current with questionable Youtube videos so I feel I’m pretty well qualified to make this assertion.  Even my dog, who is a big piece of shit, could rip my finger off if properly motivated. 

I’ve always thought I could hold my own against a dog. Just kick it in the ribs and drop an atomic elbow right onto their spine. That was always my plan. I now think this might be misguided. All they have to do is get a hold of those stupid hands you have hanging off the end of your stupid arms and pull off one of those stupid fingers. You know what you’re going to do once a dog takes off one of your fingers? Freak the fuck out. Guaranteed. All rational thinking is going to go right out the window and then the dog will have you right where he wants you. Before you know it, you’re going to be wondering who spilled spaghetti and linked sausages all over the floor until you realize the dog went forced-seppuku on you.

Now, I don’t bring this up just to say that it’s good we put that zipper thing on top of the bags of dog treats and that you need thumbs to open them up. The fact that they can’t procure their own Beggin’ Strips may very well be the reason dogs don’t have us as pets. I didn’t realize they include this exact same sentiment in that commercial.  That only solidifies its veracity. My point is that animals can fuck us up, but they don’t. You might see a dude get attacked by a bear once in a while, but even that is rare. I submit the reason for this is because 0.001% of people are super tough. Rugged. Muscular. Not afraid to get nuts when they need to. This has put a crazy fear into the animal kingdom which put us at the top of the food chain. But it’s bullshit.

I’m weak. I know that. I can’t slaughter a moose, rip all its guts out, and cook it over a fire in my bare hand. Someone can. Just not me. And that’s the case for every single person in the world except a few. You might not know it, but a flock of birds can kill you. Even the tiny ones that come to my birdfeeder the one day a month I take the time to fill it. Those little finch things could swarm you like mosquitoes and peck the shit outta you. A million tiny beaks liquefying your eyes and turning your neck into a colander with hot tomato soup being poured through it. Except it’s blood. Your blood. And now it’s all over the front lawn and the finches are drinking it not because they are thirsty, but because they want to absorb your cosmic energy before it seeps back into the ground from which it came.

And this is true of all animals. Every animal can kill us but what does a deer do when you get near it? It takes off like a little bitch because it thinks you’re going to murder it with your bare hands. They don’t understand what guns are. They’re not thinking “That human man (or woman) most likely has a Beanfield Sniper Remington Sendero SF II because it’s the best rifle for hunting deer during deer hunting season in November.”  No, it’s thinking “Fuck!” and then it runs because it’s terrified. That’s innate. It’s built into it because of years of selective breeding back when the percentage of tough motherfuckers was much higher and people couldn’t just go to the store for cereal when they were hungry. Now everything is terrified of us because they think we’re going to rip their throats out and chew on their back straps.

But we won’t. Because we’ve grown soft. We have to keep up this charade of superiority or they will start coming for us as reparations for their imposed subordinance throughout the years.

Imagine trying to fight just one squirrel. They so fucking fast that you wouldn’t be able to land one stomp before it latched onto your throat and started shredding it. Now imagine trying to fight twenty squirrels. The only chance you might have to win would be to scream loud enough that empathy would sprout within them for the first time ever and start the species on a new line of evolution. Other than that, you’re fucked.

It’s good that animals are too busy competing with each for food and shelter because we’ve demolished all their natural habitats and put up chain restaurants and condos. Environmentalists are actually a giant threat to our species because it’s the poverty we keep the animals in that keeps them from unionizing and performing a revolt. Now, this obviously won’t happen because people are smarter and therefore rulers of the world, but when it comes to a physical battle, we’re at a vast disadvantage when compared with even the smallest animal. You might have a biological restraint from biting your finger off, but a vulture would have no problem taking that ring finger as an appetizer.

Just kidding, vultures eat the butthole first.